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Yank Crashes Contest With Stolen Tree
24 December 2023
From the gutters of Massachusetts our first USA entrant in the GCTCE isn't pussying around
"My Christmas balls are better than yours!!!! It has a Pus*y" – Tricia aka Drac
When I first mentioned to Tricia (Patricia if you want to really annoy her) the glorious history of Christmastime's greatest accomplishment, and the notion of doing it all again 15 years later, she screamed and urinated with excitement and immediately slipped across the border to steal a tree from Nova Scotia, which I might add is not very neighbourly. Typical bloody Americans!
Regardless, like her country, her enthusiasm is toxic and indeed she's first out of the gates with a stolen tree complete with danglies and furry things. I believe Tricia cut up her Christmas prom dress to make a rather impressive skirt... if you have no sense of decency and style. But let's not focus on the vulgarity Tricia brings to this year's event and rather, she's really just one more person who's gonna make me an ornament for next year. Thank you for your service!
Re-Planted: 2024, January 17, Wednesday 11:38am and 9 seconds! Glory Days: 2 Only special people get to wear the blue hat. Enter Joe. For perspective Joe is 8 1/2 feet tall and I'm surprised that his trusty sidekick Conrad was able to frame both Joe and the tree in one shot. But then Conrad is known for his exceptional efforts, once gracing the local Police Detachment with his climate change activism. This year they've taken the fight to the home of such, the east side parking lot of the Ministry of Environment and Climate Change yadayada. Is it as pretty as the Nobleford contingent... of course not. That's impossible!! But it's beautiful nonetheless, planted in two feet of snow and according to title-holder Kirsten, "Done in midday in clear view of staff entering, leaving and working in the office, and then went for lunch after. Nothing to it". Nothing to it she says, the words of a crew brimming with over-confidence!
Re-Planted: 2024, January 17, Wednesday 12:40am GLORY DAYS: less than 1 It began with a simple vision... temperatures would rise above -30 celsius and Mike and I would chisel and pick-axe our way into a frozen field of dreams. At high noon (and a balmy -7) we ventured out to dig the hole to which we'd return at midnight. Yet while frolicking in the snow, which is really racist, we looked up to see the true resting home of our glorious Nova Scotian Balsam Fir friend. We may be biased but c'mon, this looks gorgeous. And anyone who ever leaves this town will relish in such, hopefully not realizing what they're enjoying so much. It's seamless out there. Beautiful really and it's true that Mike and I cried upon planting and standing back to admire our brilliance, not just because we're brilliant in this, but at the thought of, the game is really over, as of 12:42am Wednesday, January 17, year of your lord 2024. It's unlikely that between the Island and MassMyChewits entrants you'll find anything that feels this brave and beautiful but that shouldn't stop you from enjoying their efforts.
Samantha, Fall River, MA, USA hits the contest running in a dead heat with Mother Tricia for tackiest entry in the 2023 international edition of the GCTCE. Analysts are currently determining exactly what 'theme' we have going on here. Fortunately cohesive thinking is not a prerequisite for entering.
"It's true. This is by far our favourite tree" – Fake Dog & Pig
First submit a photo and glowing review of your spanky tree in its pristine Christmas condition so that we might ooh and ahh. If you are replanting a friend's tree we'd still like a pic. If you are reclaiming a trashed tree post-Christmas, we'd like to ooh and ahh at that too. Yes, you weirdo, you can replant an artificial tree. Between Tue. Dec. 26 and Sun. Jan. 14 (inclusive) replant your tree in a MOST CONSPICUOUS PUBLIC place so that all passerby's can bask in its newfound glory in the fight against Climate Change. Take a photo on that day, and every day you can thereafter, and submit said photos with your brief or long-winded appraisal and of course trash-talking of other entrant's miserable trees and shoddy location choices. Where you plant you stay. You can tweak your tree to stand up but you cannot relocate it. Report the moment you find your tree gone. We will mark its last day as that we received the last update for. eg. You post Monday but don't check and post again until Friday at which point it's gone. Monday is your day. The tree that stands the most number of days WINS!!! All losers shall then set about making the winner a delightful tree ornament for next year, delivered however it takes by Dec. 1 next year. Toast yourself and your valiant competitors for the extraordinary commitment to absurdity we all demonstrated this holiday season. Begin preparations for the 2024 tournament. NOTE : The comments widget requires logging into Facebook which is totally assholian. You can certainly use it and no one will self destruct however I'll also compile an ongoing list of diatribe and trash-talking as it arrives however it arrives. To send updates or just commentary you can use the form above, you can text message, email and Signal me.
Nobleford, Alberta
o: 403.824.4354. m: 250.714.8952
chrisvg@lucidtimes.ca
